


maybe i'll try falling up

by jaerie



Series: But She Doesn't Know Who I Am Series [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Gender Identity, M/M, Miscommunication, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 05:25:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11684985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaerie/pseuds/jaerie
Summary: “It’s just… I thought…” he stumbled nervously, “I figured it would be me, you know… that I’d be the one doing you.”“You thought I’m a bottom because I dress like a girl,” she deadpanned, schooling her expression into a mask of indifference.Miscommunications can happen with anyone but sometimes it's just a sensitive subject.





	maybe i'll try falling up

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written as part of an ongoing challenge. We each select random numbers and are given a specific emotion from the book 1000 Feelings For Which There Are No Names. To read the other fics written in this challenge, [click here](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/ShortFic_Challenge_For_Which_There_Is_No_Name/works), or you can find the masterpost on tumblr [here](http://lululawrence.tumblr.com/post/159679804243/1000-feelings-for-which-there-are-no-names-prompt).
> 
> Prompt #589: The longing to share your pain with him.
> 
>    
> I have a lot of emotions over this verse. They're very special to me. 
> 
> "maybe I'll try falling up, cause i've fallen far enough" borrowed from Down by Hanson

* * *

 

 

 

 

Harry had to giggle to herself for a moment at the feeling of actual butterflies in her stomach, the pun behind the large tattoo resting just above her abs. She couldn't help it though as she looked out the window. 

She could see Louis waiting out on the sidewalk for her, cigarette dangling from his fingertips as he leaned against the light pole.  She wasn't entirely pleased about his habit but if he didn't expect her to change, she knew she shouldn't expect him to. Not right away at least.  If things started to get serious she knew she'd have to address it.  Smoking was a health risk, not just an annoying quirk and if they were going to be in a committed relationship, it felt like a valid request.  

If they were to start a relationship, that is.  She wasn’t sure what they were exactly but everything that had been building between them felt like that was the direction they were heading in.  They had started with simply walking home after bar close together, their laughs echoing around the deserted streets in the early hours of the morning and lingering goodbyes on the sidewalk between their apartment buildings.  That soon progressed to walking to work together as well when it worked out which Harry had subtly made sure that it did.  She wouldn’t admit it to him but there had been days she’d go in early just so she could come home for lunch in time to walk right back together.  

She couldn’t help it.  Louis was the first person she had been interested in in a non-platonic way in ages as long as no one was counting the way she ogled Ryan Gosling whenever he peeled off his shirt on her tv.  She definitely wasn’t counting that.  

The more time she spent with him, the more Louis made her smile.  Despite her initial impression of him, Louis had turned out to be quite warm hearted and she found it easy to let down her guard and be herself whenever he was around.  He still had questions and occasionally she had to gently call him out about a few things but she had never gotten the impression that there was ever any malicious intent behind his actions or words.  It was something she was surprisingly okay with.  It had been close to a month and she had found herself hopeful every time she thought about officially taking things further with him.  

She turned back to the mirror and smacked her lips one more time, capping her bright red matte lipstick and slipping it into the little makeup pouch she carried in her purse.  Her lips were one of her favourite features and she never liked to be caught without a way to re-apply.  

Moving in front of her full length mirror she gave a twirl, watching her 50’s style skirt billow up with the action.  Her button down blouse was fitted against her and tucked into the slender waist of the skirt, curls pinned back like a pin-up girl.  She couldn’t help taking an extra few moments to snap some pictures of herself in the ensemble, taking one last look before grabbing her purse and heading out the door.  

 

\--

 

“Do you, um, do you want to come up?” she asked, her hands resting on his hips while he boxed her in against the entry to her building.  Their makeout session had become heated after their walk home, Louis tasting sweet like the Sprite she had found out he liked to sip on throughout his shift with just a hint of cigarette smoke clinging there as well.  It was an intoxicating mixture that screamed Louis or at least things she was coming to associate with him.

“Yeah?” Louis responded with a coy smirk, fingers trailing down her arm to link his fingers with hers.  

She nodded, holding her bottom lip with her teeth as the nervous excitement began to build.  She already felt herself chubbing up in anticipation, pushing against the tuck she was so used to and knew it would swiftly become extremely uncomfortable if she didn’t do something about it soon.  She knew from experience how painful it could be if she just let it be.  

Knowing what might happen, Harry had slipped into her sexiest panties but also knew from experience they weren’t the best at keeping everything in place.  It had been a chance she was willing to take since she knew it would be fine at work with the loose skirt she had chosen for the day but also knew that one wrong move on the way up the stairs right now and everyone would know just how affected she was by Louis.  Not that there were ever many people milling about at this time of the early morning. 

She linked their fingers and led the way upstairs to her apartment, only fumbling slightly with the key in the lock, distracted by Louis’ lips that kept attaching themselves to her neck from behind and the heat his body gave off pressed against her back.  Flushed and giddy, she finally pushed the door open, yanking Louis inside by his jacket before stripping it off his shoulders.  His phone and whatever else he kept in the pockets clunked loudly on the floor as it fell but both of them ignored the sound in favour of hungrily clashing their lips together once again.  She dropped her purse to the floor as well, kicking it out of tripping range just to be safe.

“You have lipstick all over your face,” she giggled, using it as an excuse to bring her hands up to his jawline, thumbs rubbing affectionately over the red smudges through his scruff.  Louis blushed but grinned, strong hands grabbing her waist in retaliation.  

“And how do you think it got there, huh?” he laughed, pushing her back towards the bedroom with no real force behind it, both of them giddy with lust and giggling against each other’s mouths. 

Taking the next step had been a long time coming for them, using the time to become comfortable with each other before taking off their clothes, even for some fooling around.  It wasn’t that Harry hadn’t wanted it.  She had found herself fisting her cock more than once in the past weeks with images of Louis playing out behind her closed eyelids, had come especially hard when she had finally indulged herself with the fantasy of gripping Louis’ round cheeks, spreading him apart while she drove into him with hard wet thrusts.  Yeah, Harry was more than ready to get Louis naked.  

She kicked the bedroom door closed after they had stumbled through it, fingers working at the buttons of Louis’ worn flannel shirt.  Managing to push it off his shoulders before the last button had even let loose, it fell to the floor with a soft thump of fabric, smiling against his lips while her hands wandered over the expanse of his back.

“Why are you wearing so many layers?” she groaned, pushing the soft white tshirt up his warm belly, fingers trailing over his hot skin as she did.  Louis’ hands had stayed glued to the grip he had on her hips but she tried not to overthink how still they seemed.  He hadn’t been with anyone for almost as long as she had so she blamed it on the nerves before the dam broke free.  She was the instigator tonight and owned the role easily, ready to eat him up.  

Harry bunched up her own skirt to reach beneath it, freeing herself from the constricting panties that had started to become more than uncomfortable long before.  She shimmied out of them, letting them drop down her long legs to her ankles and subtly parted her thighs enough to feel her balls pop free from where they had been tucked into her body, a feeling she was very familiar with by now.  Biting her lip in what she hoped was a seductive way, she started to take slow steps back, pulling her feet clear of her panties and slipping out of her heels in the process.  She suddenly felt short, petite, in front of Louis and used the opportunity to pull him forward into another heated kiss with their almost matching heights.

She moaned as her erection rubbed against the slick inner layer of her skirt giving the hint of being freed but still too constrictive.  For someone who spent a majority of her time with her penis tucked between her legs out of sight or pressed flush against up against her belly, she had no tolerance and grew extremely impatient with that same concept as soon as she was hard.  Recalling one of the first conversations she had had with Louis, she hadn’t been lying even a little.  She really did love her cock.  

“Lou, please,” she whined, bouncing a little as she sat on the edge of the bed.  Her fingers hooked into his belt loops to pull him closer and pressed a faint lipsticked kiss against his hip while she fumbled with his button and zip.  

His jeans took a little work to get down over his ass, the stretch of them making them seem more like jeggings than actual skinny jeans.  They looked damn good so she wouldn’t complain either way, even if she had to take some scissors to them like a paramedic to get them off as quickly as she needed to.  He smelled wonderfully like boy and man and soft sweat, her nostrils flaring slightly while she buried her face against his hip.  The skin there was soft against her nose and her lips, kissing a gentle trail to the spot just under his belly button, following the small curve and light happy trail down just behind the drag of elastic as she relieved him of his boxer briefs.  

“Fuck, Harry,” Louis moaned as she got her lips around him.  His fingers slipped into her hair, the bobby pins holding it in place loosening at her scalp with his grip, curls already springing free to fall around her face.  

Multitasking, she held one hand around the base of Louis’ cock, lifting her hips up just enough to wiggle out of her skirt while she swirled her tongue around the head, sinking back down his length as she was able to kick her clothes off to the side.  Her erection was finally free, her own hand unable to resist a few tugs to ease the last remnants of discomfort from her shaft.  

Harry pulled off just long enough release the buttons of her shirt, shrugging it off her shoulders and pushing it down to the floor.  She reached back with one hand to unclasp the lace bra she had put on purely for the aesthetic of this moment.  It was actually quite itchy and it came as a relief to finally throw it towards her dresser.  She scooted back on the bed, motioning for Louis to join her with a small smirk.  

As soon as Louis had kneed his way towards her, she pulled him down at her side, his head against the pillows and she climbed over him to straddle his thighs.  Her breasts hung over his face while she reached to the table beside her bed, pulling out the lube and condoms that she kept there, hopefully optimistic with her actions.  His hands, rough but warm, covered her breasts, thumbs experimentally brushing over her nipples and making her moan deeply at the sensation.  Moist lips replaced his thumb and she curled over him, fingers sliding into his hair to pull his face up towards her chest.  

“I’ve been thinking about this for weeks,” she mumbled next to his ear, her hard sensitive nipples brushing lightly over Louis’ chest as she scooted further down his body, “Can’t wait to fuck you.”  Her voice came out as a purr, trailing her fingers down his sides.  He tensed slightly beneath her and she looked up to read his face.  

“Wait, what?” Louis stuttered as she slid her knees between his to part his legs, still holding herself up high enough to keep their erections from touching just yet.  She had already jumped from zero to sixty and wasn’t quite ready to win the race.   

“I can’t wait to be inside you,” she repeated and nestled her hips down into the V of his legs, finally pressing her dick into his with a small thrusting motion.  

Louis suddenly became visibly uncomfortable and recognizing that, she pulled away and sat back on her heels to look down at him.  

“Is that… Is this too fast?” she asked, concern painting her features.  It pained her to hold back her lust but nothing would be enjoyable if they both weren’t into it.  Even mutual masturbation would be okay by her if that’s all he wanted to do. 

“It’s just… I thought…” he stumbled nervously, “I figured it would be me, you know… that I’d be the one doing you.” 

“You thought I’m a bottom because I dress like a girl,” she deadpanned, schooling her expression into a mask of indifference.  

“That’s how I figured you’d want it!” he said, obviously flustered at her reaction,  “I’ve never done this before, I don’t know how this works!” 

She stared down at him for a few speechless moments and watched the embarrassed blush flood his cheeks, the nervous twitches of his fingers as they fumbled against her sheets at his sides and the way his cock began to flag with the confrontation.  It wasn’t even that she  _ wasn’t _ a bottom, she enjoyed a good fucking just as much as the next but the way he had just assumed without even the courtesy of that conversation, without that negotiation that stirred her emotions.

It felt clumsy to climb off his lap, sitting down on the edge of the bed again to face away for a moment.  She fumbled for her silk short robe that was still hanging on the corner of the bed from morning and wrapped around her shoulders, covering her body so at least her skin didn’t feel as exposed as she felt right then. The way her feet were planted firmly on the ground did little to ground her while she leaned forward and hid her face in her hands.  She was glad for her long curls that fell down and provided the extra illusion of a curtain while she tried to collect the scramble she felt she had suddenly become. 

“Don’t touch me,” she snapped as her reaction when Louis reached out to touch her shoulder, leaning away before resuming her hunched position.  Her brain was running through all the possible things she had misinterpreted leading up to this moment, the warning signs that maybe this thing between them wasn’t quite as easy as it had felt to her.  That maybe she had once again been too trusting about what he wanted from her.  

In 2, 3, out 2, 3, she tried to count her breathing but her counted seconds became closer together and her lungs began to burn anyway.  The burn traveled up her throat to her nose and then to her eyes where she felt tears building up pressure against her lids.  She wouldn’t cry.  No, she wouldn’t.  

With that determined thought repeating like a mantra she was able to control her breath, straightening her spine just a little.  

“I can’t be an experiment,” she told him softly but firmly.  

“You’re… You’re not an experiment,” Louis finally responded after a moment of tense air that had started buzzing between them, engulfing the room and threatening to choke her.  

“I can’t be  _ your  _ experiment,” she made the clarification with more conviction, “I don’t want to be your experiment. I don’t want to be that chick with a dick you fucked once while you were figuring yourself out.”  Her voice hitched as that description twisted in her mind like the curl of smoke leaving a candle, a ghost of a different degrading voice speaking them to her from memory, threatening to push her down into the dirt.  

“Harry, you’re not, please, you’re not an experiment.  I mean, maybe in some ways but not like that, not because you’re… I mean,” he fumbled and somehow the sincerity in his voice seemed to hurt worse.  She already knew what innocence became once she was no longer a novelty.  

“Please leave,” she whispered against her palm, her other pulling the robe tighter around her naked body.  The silk usually felt smooth and delicious against her skin but now only felt chilled and too thin, too revealing.  

“Harry I just don’t know how to do this…” his voice was timid and unsure but she tuned out the pleading undertones, the ones begging him to turn this into the adult conversation he knew they should be having.  She wanted to talk to him, wanted to tell him but the wounds were already open and she was bleeding out on the floor at an alarming rate.  She couldn’t open herself up when she had already been ripped open from the inside, survival instincts learned from the past telling her to get away and fast.

“Please just go,” she pleaded, trying to hold back the sob that curled the last syllable into a rush of air, “Please.” 

Louis must have picked up on her suddenly desperate state, slowly climbing off the bed and searching for his clothing on the floor.  She kept her eyes squeezed shut so tightly she was seeing stars like an old Windows screensaver, holding her breath and her emotions in until she heard the distinct click of her front door closing.  

Only then did she let go, ugly sobbing taking over her as she wilted further into herself.  Just as she began to regain control of her breathing another round took over her as she realized how badly she had overreacted.  Harry prided herself in being an instigator of those hard conversations, of educating when she started to lose her cool but she also had her flaws, her moments of being human, her triggers that caused her brain to stutter.  

As soon as she could see clearly enough to find some loose joggers and a hoodie, she threw them on in a rush.  She nearly stumbled over her purse and keys that had been abandoned on the floor and nearly lost it again as she replayed how they had ended up there again in her mind, how badly she had ruined what had started out being a great night.  Through warbly vision she left her apartment, flying down the stairs while she ordered herself an Uber.  The inside of the worn hoodie was rough against her still alert nipples and she briefly regretted not throwing on another layer before the car drove up and she hopped in.  

A short ten minutes later she arrived at a row of brick townhouses, the windows dark in each as their occupants peacefully slept.  She said a thanks to the driver before approaching the one with the familiar door, a gold number 4 boldly in the middle, and rang the bell several times in succession.  A dog began barking at the sound and a moment later a light was being flicked on and a curious head popped up to look out the window.  

“Harry! Good lord, what’s wrong?” she heard as the door was pulled open and she crumpled into the arms waiting on the other side.  

“Gems,” she sniffed and breathed in the familiar scent of her sister’s expensive shampoo and nearly toppled her over with his extra height shifting their point of gravity.  Gemma held her close while she worked through another round of sobs, calmly stroking her back and whispering to her the way she used to when they were younger and convinced there was no one else in the world that would ever understand them.  

Gemma led them over to the couch, sitting down on one end and coaxing Harry onto her side so she was curled up with her head resting on her lap.  The slender fingers felt so soothing as they moved through her curls, his sister stopping a few times to gently work out the knotted bobby pins that had been left in a tangled mess. 

“It’s 4 in the morning, H.  Are you okay?  What happened?” 

That’s all it took for Harry to open up, recounting the events of the night in full detail until instead of sobs, only a sad stream of tears leaked from the corner of her eyes, turning to look up at the ceiling while the small rivers ran into her hair.  

“I fucked it up, Gems,” she whispered softly, “I fucked it all up and I liked him so much.  So much, Gems!  He made me laugh and we’ve had so much fun and even Niall likes him.  They get on like they’ve been friends for ages.”  She sniffed hard and her breath hitched in her chest, the aftermath of her bawling still fresh.  

Gemma absently twisted her finger around one of her curls as a calm silence stretched between them, the air feeling easier to breath the longer she felt her touch.  

“You need to tell him, H,” she finally spoke, her voice soft and gentle so she wouldn’t break the fragile atmosphere surrounding them.  “Kyle was a dick.  You can’t let him keep ruining your relationships even after he’s gone.  You’re an amazing person, Harry, and he was a selfish prick who needed a scapegoat to make himself feel better after what he did and deep down you know that.  I know you do.”   

Harry took in a few slow deep breaths, folding her hands on top of her stomach before looking up to the warm familiar face.  

“You are so confident in yourself as an individual and now you need to be confident about yourself in a relationship.  If it turns out that he isn’t right for you, then move on but never lose your sense of self.  You’ve come too far to let some jackass break your spirit and too far to let a past jackass continue to.  Come on, let’s go up to bed.  Joe’s out of town so you can bunk with me.  Sleep on it and then go talk to him.” 

Harry let her words sink for a few minutes before nodding, slowly extracting herself from their position and standing to stretch her arms above her head.  She followed Gemma up the stairs and climbed into her king bed that somehow still felt warm.  Gemma snuggled up behind her and squeezed her close.  It was a while before she finally let exhaustion pull her into sleep, relaxing into the hold that made her feel small and protected just like it always had.  

 

\--

 

The next afternoon when Harry finally woke up, she called in to take a personal day.  She knew that Niall would be more than capable of handling the organization of the show for the night and tried not to overthink her decision to take some time for herself.  It was rare that she ever did even when the owners were trying to shove her out the door for a night off.

The long bath she took in Gemma’s big jet tub turned out to be just what she needed and by the time she had made it back home, she was feeling immensely better.  There was a smoothie shop near Gemma’s house that she loved and she stopped for her favourite flavour and a bagel sandwich to go which she enjoyed while indulging in a Netflix marathon of some episodes she had been meaning to catch up on for weeks.  

There were missed calls and texts from Louis but she chose not look at them.  The last thing she needed was to work herself up again and talk herself out of her plans to talk to Louis before she even had a chance.  She took a nap and microwaved a ham and cheese Lean Pocket for dinner and waited nervously until she couldn’t stand it anymore. 

She pulled her hair up into an artfully messy bun and glanced at herself in the mirror of her bathroom.  Her eyes were still a bit puffy but overall she looked alright.  She didn’t have the energy to apply any makeup but didn’t think it would matter.  If she was going to enter into a relationship with Louis, and she really hoped they would, he would see her without makeup plenty of times and that somehow comforted her.  

She changed into her most comfortable cotton panties and some pink velvet lounge pants.  It took some searching to find her white hoodie with the name of some random American university on it and pulled it on over the sports bra she had been wearing all day.  It didn’t feel like an occasion to dress up and these clothes made her feel safe.  

The walk to the bars felt like a death march, working up her anxiety while she kept her eyes glued to the glittery straps of her wedge flip flops and fidgeted with her house keys inside the pouch of her hoodie.  She arrived just before bar close and listened to the sound of patrons heading down the street while she leaned back against the brick of the alley near the door she had first seen Louis all those nights ago.  

Time blended together and before she knew it, the heavy back door was being pushed open and a disheveled Louis was stumbling out.  He swore under his breath and struggled to light a cigarette, breathing in a long drag and letting it out in a cloud with closed eyes tilting towards the sky.  

He looked a mess, hair shoved up under a worn baseball cap with tired bags pulling down under his eyes.  Honestly he looked like crap but at the same time made him look so real, so human and it gave Harry the courage to push herself off her place against the wall.  

Louis’ whole posture changed the moment he laid eyes on her, tossing aside the barely lit cigarette before rushing over. 

“Harry!  Harry I’m so, so sorry,” his words were rushed like he expected her to run from him before he could get everything out and it sent a jolt of regret through her.  “It’s just that I’ve never had anal sex before and, I know we should have talked about that, you know before, but I just, I wanted to and then you said that and it hit me and, I don’t know, I got nervous and I just, I don’t think I’m maybe quite ready for that yet and I just…” 

Everything was jumbled and she let the corner of her lips turn up into a small timid smile as she reached out to stop him.  

“Louis, stop,” she said, her face growing serious again. “You didn’t…  _ I _ didn’t… Can we talk?” 

Louis visibly relaxed and then tensed again, drawing his lower lip between his teeth anxiously while he shifted his weight from foot to foot.  It didn’t go unnoticed by her that he was looking at her the same way he did when she was in full makeup and dressed up for the club, gentle but nervous eyes scanning her features like they would any other day.  But the uncertainty there stabbed her through the heart, though, and she quickly looked down at their toes that were pointed towards each other.  

“Can we just…” she took a breath in and slowly let it out, “Can we walk though?”

She didn’t think she could look at Louis’ face while she opened up, didn’t want to witness the subtle shift in his expression while she told him things only a few people in her life knew.  She was relieved when she looked up to see Louis nod, meeting his eyes briefly for confirmation before giving a quick nod back.  They both turned and started down the alley, drawn to each other and walking just close enough that their arms almost brushed several times.  

“I knew Kyle from school when we were younger,” she began after they had turned onto the main street, “We had some classes together and then his family moved to Ireland for a few years.  We hadn’t kept in touch or anything but ended up meeting again in uni.  It wasn’t long after I’d had my surgery and I was a little… Well I just felt really good in my skin for the first time and I was young and I really enjoyed going out and hooking up and just doing all the things I’d never had the confidence to do before.”  

She took a moment to prepare herself, fingers nervously turning her keys in her pocket.  She chanced a glance over at Louis and found him in a similar position, hands deep in his jacket pockets and head lowered to watch his feet.  He glanced over at her and gave her a weak but encouraging smile and she took a breath to keep going.  

“I hooked up with Kyle after a party one night and I got a little confidence boost from it and it made me really hopeful since he had known me before and still wanted me, at least wanted to have sex with me I guess.  I didn’t exactly go around telling everyone my life story or why I am who I am back then and it made me really excited that maybe I didn’t have to worry about finding someone who would really accept me, you know?  Because of course I had fears that I would end up alone or that people would just think of me as a freak… every teenager and young adult have some fears about life in general and then add on gender identity issues...  And then we started hooking up regularly and I ran into it blindly, clung to it really now that I look back on it.  But at the time I was just so happy and everything in my life finally felt like it was falling into place.”  

Once she got started, it felt easier to continue, her hands emerging from her hoodie not long after to gesture like she normally would while speaking.  

“We went from just hooking up to studying together and hanging out and then we were sitting down together to pick our courses for the next semester so our schedules would be similar and I never questioned any of the attention.  I took him back to spend time with my family during a few long weekends and he took me with him to meet his sister when she was in town.  It felt like a proper relationship and I even thought I was falling in love with him.” 

The next part was harder to relive and it made her anxious to realize they were getting closer to their apartments and she wouldn’t be able to distract herself with walking once they arrived.  She slowed her pace and Louis fell back in step with her, not even with a questioning glance.  

“We were together for about a year when we started discussing getting an off campus apartment together for the next school year.  He would be graduating a year earlier than me and was going to look for a job in the area while I finished up.  I told him that I loved him on a Friday and on Saturday I walked in on him in bed with a girl from my public relations class.” 

Her voice unexpectedly hitched and Louis’ hand felt warm as he grabbed hers from the air, linking their fingers and squeezing tightly in a gesture that made her want to start crying for an entirely different reason.  She squeezed back and steeled herself to continue.  

“It was pretty bad.  I blew up and so did he and I found out he had been sleeping his way around campus almost the entire time I had thought we were together.  He told me I was stupid for not realizing I was just an experiment and that was all I would ever be to anyone… just a chick with a dick that guys wanted to drunkenly fuck for bragging rights or for a good pub story.  He told me that he and his mates had been having a good laugh about me following him around like a puppy and I felt so stupid Louis, so worthless and dumb that I hadn’t realized what we were.  My sister says he was just looking for a reason to justify being an asshole and that I didn’t make up everything we had together but sometimes I still question all the little things and wonder if I was just too blinded by my own relationship fantasies to see them.  That maybe it had always been me projecting what I wanted when he had been indifferent the whole time.  I’ve been guarded about relationships every since and I’m sorry I overreacted the way I did last night.  For a second I was back there wondering if I’d made a mistake again but I know that’s not what you said.”  

She  _ was _ crying now, silent tears running down her cheeks and she realized they were stopped in front of their buildings and she wasn’t entire sure for how long.  Louis took her other hand and squeezed them both, pulling her closer so he could look up at her with and intense and determined look. 

“I would  _ never _ do that to you.  I’m not experienced or know what I’m doing here and in that way some of this is like experimenting but you,” he reached up to gently lift her face so they were making eye contact again, “ _ You _ are not an experiment.  If we end whatever this is between us for some reason, it will be as mature adults and not because some asshole couldn’t appreciate what he had.  I didn’t assume I would be fucking you because I see you like that, I did because I was nervous and hadn’t thought further than maybe some handjobs and a blowjob.  I figured you were a lady after all,” he smirked a little, squeezing her hand, “I didn’t really expect for you to put out the first time.” 

Harry laughed at that, an ugly sound around the flem collecting in her throat from her tears.  

“I’m hardly a lady,” she wiped at her tears with another small laugh, shaking her head a little.  Louis laughed with her with a small shake of his head before bringing the focus back.  

“If you’re willing to be a little patient with me in that department, I’d love for you to be my girlfri-... boy… friend…?” he said with another small laugh.  

“How about beau?” she answered with a glint in her eye.  

“Harry will you be my beau?” Harry couldn’t help the giggle that fell out of her mouth, smile growing wide as she nodded quickly.  

“Yeah?” he asked hopefully, a matching grin spreading over his face.  

“Yeah,” she breathed out softly, leaning forward to seal the promise with a kiss, “I’d love to be your beau.”    

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> [Here's the tumblr post if you liked!](http://jaerie.tumblr.com/post/163715440992/title-maybe-ill-try-falling-up-author-jaerie)


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